It’s not me. It’s you.
No… it actually is you.
My last boyfriend was the absolute worse. No… I’m not being mean. I’m not calling him names. I’m not trying to sit up here and slander him. I’m just calling it what it was.
From the time we met, my relationship with my ex was toxic. The relationship was filled with power imbalance, violation of personal values, needing to be “perfect” in order to be loved and a lack of genuine intimacy due to hiding one’s true self. It was sad and miserable. It was like being stuck in a maze that I couldn’t get out off. Breaking up with him was a lot like the Alcoholics Anonymous program I had been through. You need certain steps to fully kick your addiction, eventually you get the right tools to turn your life around. Being in an unhealthy relationship, often times mimics an addiction. Its so bad, but you just can’t kick the habit. Eventually the one sided arguments became draining , his lack of effort or remorse became mentally and emotionally taxing. I just couldn’t do it anymore. The last stunt he pulled was repulsive and it was at this very moment I decided to leave. When I decided to leave , I did the best thing I’ve done for me in awhile … I put me First.
How people treat you is a reflection of what they think you deserve.
No one deserves to be treated like shit. No one deserves to be constantly lied to , or have a significant other that is incapable of being loyal. That just isn’t the way it’s suppose to be. If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you have already forgotten your value. Once you decide to leave, the next stage is the dreaded break-up process. Break-Ups suck. They really do, but instead of drowning in your feelings , making embarrassing pity party rants on social media, or eating your pain away — especially if it turns into pints of Ben & Jerry’s consumed to the dulcet tones of an SVU marathon… which will only make you feel worse. There are many other avenues we can take. Alternatively, you can try any (or all) of these
ELEVEN unexpected, surprisingly effective methods for getting over even the most excruciating break-ups:
- Buy Yourself a Nice Notebook and a Fancy Pen. Make a list of all the things you didn’t like about the relationship. It’s important to spend time reflecting, why you broke up in the first place. “Sometimes when people break up, they romanticize the relationship, remembering all the good times but conveniently forgetting about what didn’t work. Pain has a short memory,” says Neely Steinberg, dating coach and author of Skin In the Game: Unleashing Your Inner Entrepreneur to Find Love. Steinberg recommends writing two (detailed!) lists: one for all the things you look for in a relationship, and the other for all the ways that your ex did (or didn’t) meet these ideals. “If he [or she] didn’t bring many qualities that you wrote about in your first list, well, then you have a tangible reminder that [this person] isn’t the right match, and it’s time to move on.” I also made a list of everything my ex did that hurt me. When I even think about him, I go to this list and remind myself of all the things he did. That lists reminds me that someone that did all these things, should not be missed. Ironically, I feel better almost instantly.
- (Note: Do not, I repeat DO NOT go near the person or call. It will only further break your heart.) This may seem like the absolute last thing you’d want to do after an atrocious break-up, but it’s crucial to transform the narrative of your split from “my life is over” to “my life is just getting started.” Your ex is partially to thank for this new beginning. ‘Failures’ and wrong turns, as difficult as they may be, can be assets. Sometimes the best thing for you is to lose the dead weight! It might not seem like it now, but this is one of the best things to ever happen to you.
- DELETE, DELETE, DELETE! Remove all technological ties with your ex. This means un-friending, unfollowing, and deleting his/her number. “Research has been pretty clear that sadness following the end of a relationship is much more heightened and longer in duration if you stay involved technologically,” says Dr. Wendy Walsh, relationship expert and author of The 30-Day Love Detox. “Facebook stalking is the easiest way to wallow.” Dr. Walsh also recommends deleting all pasts texts and email exchanges. I totally agree with this tactic. I deleted all our pictures, past text messages, emails, and any other exchanges. Blocked him from Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, called my cell phone carrier and even blocked him from my phone. Yes, it seems drastic but it kind of plays into that “Out of Sight, Out of Mind” concept. There’s no need to look at pictures, or re-read old messages of arguments. I’m not concerned with having a further discussion or seeing something that might hurt my feelings. Therefore removing him, makes the process easier.
- Need Help? There’s an App for that. When getting over a break-up… social media can be the devil. Theres a ton of break-up apps to help you with the transition, and they are hilarious. KillSwitch removes all traces of your ex from Facebook, giving you the option of deleting all of his/her information, or saving it to a hidden folder. Ex Lover Blocker , a hilarious Brazilian app, alerts your friends when you try to call your ex and posts your shame on Facebook, so everyone knows you relapsed. While Never Liked It Anyway isn’t an app, this online shop is the perfect place to sell anything you still have of your ex’s, like his or her cheesy gifts or annoyingly comfortable sweatshirt. The website is hilarious and heck, its kinda handy. Want to check out other cool and hilarious break-up apps? Click here!
- Go 60 Days Without Contacting Your Ex. In It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Break-Up Buddy, Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt recommend avoiding any form of contact with your ex, even for seemingly harmless things like asking for a sweater back, for 60 days. You’ll need a good, patient friend to help enforce this; text/call your friend whenever you have the urge to get in touch with your ex. Have a good support system going. Every time I get the urge to call or even lurk on my ex, I contact my friends ASAP. Friends always rally behind you, especially when you are trying to leave your good for nothing ex.
- Work More. Keeping yourself busy with real, achievable tasks will not only keep your mind off of your ex, but it may also lead to a promotion, raise, or recognition from your boss. Your personal life might feel like it’s in shambles, so let your career satisfy and sustain you. The more time, energy, and effort you put into yourself and your goals– the better you will start to feel about yourself. The best revenge is to better yourself. Become the success story you always knew you could be, make them wish they had never screwed up in the first place.
- Go out. Out-out. Wallowing in self pity is not going to bring your ex back or make you feel better. Put on pants with a non-elastic waist band, close the box of Lucky Charms, force yourself out of the house, and hang out with all of your friends, preferably at a hang out spot frequented by other attractive single people. Thou shalt not make out with a random stranger… The point of going out is to be with people who love you, and feel like part of the world again. Distractions—especially ones in which you can focus on the other, more valuable relationships in your life—are key.
- See a Therapist. I see a therapist every other week and she has done wonders for my soul. We talk about everything, I’ve gone to her for a few months now, but sometimes its just good to talk to somebody and clear out all the clutter in your head. Granted I talk to her for various things. However, there is nothing embarrassing about seeking professional help for the depression and anxiety that break-ups can provoke. While support from friends is invaluable, it’s often useful to seek the opinion of an outsider, who can help you understand the situation more clearly and objectively — especially when that outsider has been trained to help you with this very situation. A therapist can also help you develop strategies for countering negative thinking, finding self-worth, and coping with the inevitable triggers that will remind you of your former relationship.
- Become a Gym Rat. Working out is a great way to relieve stress, and you are getting better looking while doing it. Don’t cry over him, do some squats and make him wish he had that ass back. Don’t be bitter, do some curls, and make her wish she could cuddle with your new muscular and chiseled arms. If you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, stupid petty little things don’t bother you. Get in there and get sexy. You’ll feel better. Trust me. Plus you’re creating better life habits. It’s a win win situation.
- Don’t Be Revengeful. There is no need for revenge. It never gets you anywhere. What goes around comes around. What you give, comes back to you. Don’t waste your time trying to expose shady people for what they are. Their true colors will shine through soon enough. Don’t drop to their level. Be the amazing person that you are. Remain the good man or woman that you are. Don’t become the asshole that hurt you.
- EVALUATE and REFLECT. Take time to think about what has happened, what you been through, and what you are going to do to move forward. Also, remember that you are a great person, you just ran into a really crappy individual. It happens to the best of us. Don’t give up on love, don’t think you are going to be single for the rest of your life… you are deserving of somebody wonderful who will treat you the way you deserve. Everything is a learning lesson. Take what you learned from this relationship, and apply it to your dating life so it doesn’t happen again. Also take some time for you, after a break up its easy to feel broken down. Take the time to build yourself back up. This way when the right person comes along… you’re ready =)
What other tips or remedies do you guys do to get over a break up? I would love to hear about them. Please share.